the coconut husk

For months I have been telling Ed I would write my version of our love story for his blog. I have sat and thought of how to start it several times now, and after he shared his two more minutes to forever, wanted to share my side of forever.  I couldn’t figure out if I should start with the years of long-term relationships I had been in that never felt right, that always felt forced and left me wondering what I was doing wrong.  Or should I start with realizing once those relationships ended the problem wasn’t that I was doing anything wrong in those relationships, it was that I was not loving myself the way I expected others to love me. What I realized after years of trying to make sense of love and opening myself up time and time again, only to be left dumb founded was that I needed to focus on myself, learn to love myself and my life as it was, alone. I came to understand that being alone was much better than always feeling like I was begging someone else to love me in the way I needed. I had decided I would focus on my career and the life I had instead of looking for the life I wanted.

For the next two years I dated casually but was putting my energy into work and school. It gave me time to figure out who I was as a person, what was important to me and what I truly wanted in life. What I wanted was peace. I wanted to feel happy and laugh. Even if that was with friends as a single woman. I knew without a doubt that I was not going to settle in a relationship.  I wanted an equal partner who loved and respected me in the same way I did him. I knew that it was going to have to be a man who was willing to give to the relationship, and not always take. I had come to believe that man did not exist and that relationships in the modern world were meaningless. I felt men were always keeping their options open. They were treating me like an option, not a priority. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t really go anywhere to meet anyone new. I worked all the time. I had the small group of friends. I do not go out bar hoping (God knows you won’t find anyone in a bar looking for true love). I was pretty much in my own little world and I learned to be happy with myself and my life. I have amazing friends. I have a family that is at times dysfunctional but at the end of the day loves me unconditionally. I had decided life was good the way it was. I prayed at night that God would guide me to live the life that was meaningful. My prayer was that my focus was not on my happiness but instead it be on my purpose.

One night I was having dinner with my friend Meredith and we talked about dating sites. I have known people over the years who had done it. Some had successfully married and some were still single. I thought ‘Well, it couldn’t hurt. I could at least make new friends, get outside of my little world and have fun meeting new people.’  So, I signed up. Filling out the list of questions, I realized something about myself. I realized that I was a bit pickier than I had even realized in some areas but open to other things that some people wouldn’t. I didn’t want to waste time going out with anyone who didn’t have the same life views as I did. For instance, I decided I only wanted to go out with men of faith. I felt over the years that part of my relationship issues was that I had dated men that were either not strong in their faith or had no faith at all. I did not want to date a man who liked to go to bars, drink, smoke or do drugs. I do not do those things and don’t want to be with anyone that does. I did not mind a man having children as long as he was a great dad and made his children a priority. I did not want to go out with anyone who had been divorced because of infidelity on his end. I also did not want to date anyone who was looking to sleep around and who was not seriously looking for an exclusive relationship.

After several conversations on eharmony I went on a few dates or talked on the phone with potential matches. I still laugh about some of the introductions and the face to face interactions I had on there. My friends and I would go to dinner and exchange stories and laugh uncontrollably at some of the “dates” we were going on. I started to think that social media and dating sites were just another way for people to keep their options open and be noncommittal. I then made the decision I was not going to renew eharmony once the time I had paid for was up. I was over dating and was just ready to focus on myself again.

Then one night while I was lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep and prepare for the long day ahead of me the next day I got a notification from eharmony that I had a new match. I thought ‘well, let’s see if this one is the same as the rest.’ I clicked on it and there he was, Ed Deiss.  A man strong in his faith, a dad who loved his children, a handsome man who had a look of kindness in his pictures. So, I thought ‘ok, this is it. I will send him a message and see where it goes but if he is another man who wants options, I’m done with dating sites.’

I sent him the general questions and we started communicating. I immediately knew he was different. He was interesting, interested in me, thoughtful and kind in his responses. Seemed like a perfect gentleman. After emailing back and forth we exchanged numbers. He would call and we would chat. What seemed like a few minutes would be a half hour. Conversations were always interesting. He made me laugh. He was sincere. We talked for weeks before we finally met for dinner. By the time we meet in Roanoke Rapids to meet face to face it felt as if we had known one another for a long time. There was excitement on the drive to meet him. When I walked in the Applebee’s and saw him, we both smiled from ear to ear. I remember walking up and hugging him. It was like meeting an old friend for dinner, meaning it felt very comfortable and natural. There was never a moment of weirdness or odd moments of silence. We talked, laughed, smiled and had a wonderful time together. What stood out most to me is that when our dinner arrived he held my hands and prayed with me. It was an amazing first date.

Unfortunately, after being together for several hours, I had to get on the road back to Greenville because I had to get up at 4am to go to work the next day. When we walked to the car I felt so happy that the date had gone so well yet sad that it had to end. We said our goodbyes at my car and he made it clear to me that he did not want to communicate with anyone else. He wanted to make getting to know more about me a priority.  I was so happy to hear him say that.

As I got in my car to leave I had a moment of ‘I don’t want to leave him yet.’ So I put my car in park jumped out of the car and ran back to him. He opened his door and ask if I was okay. I told him “yes, I just wanted another minute or two with you”. He smiled and we hugged. I felt myself breath in a way I had not let myself in a long time. As I got back in my car to leave I thought ‘Oh boy, I am in trouble here (in a good way). He is a keeper!’ The next day he let me know he cancelled his subscription to eharmony. The next time we met for dinner he asked me in the cutest, most loving way to officially be his girlfriend. I was beyond joyful and said “Absolutely”. I got on eharmony and canceled my account as well and wanted to focus on him and see where our relationship could go.

The next several weeks he was out-of-town on vacation with his family. I told myself if he didn’t call while he was gone it was okay and to not let myself get my hopes up that he would call or text while he was away. Well, he called and texted everyday. Again, we were talking for what seemed a few minutes yet it was a half hour or more. He would send me pictures of where he was and what he was doing. He was always interested in my daily life. His voice was always like music to my ears, his laugh is contagious, his faith is strong; he is the man I had always prayed for.

Over the months of us dating he has shown me I am a priority. He has made trips to see me even if he could only stay a few hours. Living three hours away from one another, it means a lot that he would drive to see me for just a few hours then turn around and drive three hours back home. He always calls or text me every morning to tell me good morning. He always asked how my day is going, makes a point to tell me I’m beautiful (even when I’ve worked an 85 hour week and look absolutely exhausted).

We would meet in Roanoke Rapids every chance we had a day it would work for a picnic or dinner. Those dates were always perfect. They went by way too fast. I always hated leaving him. I remember the first time I told him I loved him. We were sitting in my Tahoe saying goodbye and the love I felt for him was undeniable. I told him I loved him, not knowing how he would respond. Not knowing if he thought I was crazy because we had only been dating for a few weeks. With that said I did love him and wanted him to know it. Not expecting him to say it back, he did tell me he loved me too. I knew at that moment he was going to be in my life for a long time.

After dating for months we decided it was time for me to meet his children. He had always said he did not want to introduce anyone to his children unless he saw a future with them. So when he asked me to meet him and his daughters in Roanoke Rapids, I knew this was a special moment not to be taken lightly. The meeting with them was absolutely perfect. They were beautiful young women inside and out. I left that dinner feeling more filled with love and joy than I had even imagined. There are so many special moments since then with Ed and I or all of us that I could write about but I will fast forward a few months.

Four months after our first date, Ed and I went on a walk the day after Thanksgiving. It was supposed to be a quick walk on the Greenway before we met Melissa for lunch and black Friday shopping. We walked up to the park and he asked me to go on stage so he could see what it was like on there because we had passed by it many times. We walk up there and I briefly looked away from him to look out in the grass. When I looked back he was on bended knee asking me to marry him. I smiled from ear to ear and said Absolutely! As I went to hug him I noticed my best friends mother standing beside the tree. I said “There is Melissa’s mom” (She was supposed to be meeting us with Melissa for lunch). All of the sudden I realized Melissa was standing close by her with her camera. Ed had arranged for them to be in the park so he could have them photograph the proposal. I was floored. He had gone out of his way to make that moment so special for me. I then realized I had been procrastinating that morning by eating cereal, going to the post office etc. I immediately realized he had patiently waiting for me to propose while I was going in circles. We all went to lunch and discussed how happy I was and how thankful I am for him. I knew from our first date that he was going to be special in my life. We started planning our wedding and decided to get married February 4th, 2017 at 3pm; a date and time that stemmed from the saying 143, meaning I love you.

I was working 85 hours a week and trying to plan a wedding in another city. Through it all Ed kept me grounded, at peace and always helped me with it any way he could. Now as I sit here today February 6, 2017 writing this, he is now my husband. We had our wedding this past weekend. It was absolutely perfect. Everyone pitched in and helped us plan the wedding in 7 weeks. The weather was beautiful. Many came long distances. I felt beautiful and loved.

Everyone kept asking me if I was nervous about getting married or if I was having cold feet. I can say without a shadow of a doubt He is the love of my life and the man God brought into my life to be my husband. When riding in the limousine to the church with Major Barbera, who was giving me away, he took my hand and asked me if I was sure about this. I told him “I have never been more sure about anything else in my life. I am completely sure and ready”.  He said that was all he needed to hear and that he was happy for us and supports us one hundred percent.  When I walked into the doors of the church and saw him standing there we both smiled and I felt the most at peace and loved I have ever felt in my life. When I stood in front of God and our friends and family and vowed to honor, serve and obey him until death do us part, I had no doubts, no fears, no second guesses. I know with all of my heart and soul he is my forever love. Standing there looking at Ed saying our vows I felt joyful, peaceful, loved, respected, treasured and beautiful. Completely filled with emotions of excitement about our life together.

He has made every dream of mine come true. He has calmed me in a way I never knew was possible. He makes me feel loved, respected and cherished always.

I am blessed beyond measure that those two minutes in the parking lot after our first date has turned into our forever.

Being his wife is the greatest accomplishment of my life. Being a step mother to his children is one of the most important things in my life. My life with Ed is about all five of us, not just me and Ed but also about our lives as a family with Will, Rachel, and Zoe.  To say I am thankful does not give it justice. I am madly, deeply in love with my husband and our family. I look forward to our life together and look forward to what God has in store for us.

As I reflect on the wedding weekend and look at the photos my heart is over filled with joy and love. This is a once in a life time forever love. It was worth every horrible date I had gone on before, every failed relationship I had before, every year I spent alone. Being in this moment with the love of my life is exactly what God was preparing me for with every moment of my past.

Ed asked the question in a blog post last year “Is love worth it?”  We can both say without a doubt YES!

Angela Deiss

As we drove out of the parking lot after our first date on July 25th, 2016 in Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina, I made sure her car started and followed her out.  All of a sudden, I see brake lights and she stops her car.  The door opens; she gets out, turns and runs back to me.  I rolled down my window and she says, ‘I just want another two minutes with you.’  Don’t have to ask me twice, out of the car I went.  We knew after that night there was something about what each of us saw in the other that, even though we lived 3 hours apart, we wanted to see each other again.  For two more minutes and then more; the story of Angela and Ed.

“Are you the kind of person that the kind of person you are looking for is looking for?” – Andy Stanley

We are asked how we met, and it amazes both of us.  How can two people living their lives in separate worlds, thriving and happy on their own, a guy born in the American Midwest, raised in Asia, and now raising three kids as a single parent in Richmond, Virginia meet a part Cherokee Indian country girl, born and raised in North Carolina, and paying it forward as an EMT Paramedic in addition to working as a Cosmetologist.  Angela and I  do know that just one slight turn by either of us, or in events in our lives, on our journey to where we met that night in Roanoke Rapids, and it never would have happened.  Someone was behind the scenes, and there is no doubt in our minds who it was.  There is no way we could have foreseen or planned it.  God was directing the orchestra of events through our lives, including the struggles and pain, and what we do know is we allowed a ‘mutual friend’ to introduce and connect us, eHarmony. And we are grateful.

About a year ago, I shared my thoughts about going there again and loving someone;  Yes, It’s Worth It.  I observed that love often does not make sense and can come about from unlikely places (little did I know I was writing to myself as well). Angela and I did not have our lives on hold waiting for it, as we both know and have experienced thriving and being happy are great on their own. The quote from Andy Stanley above is one we both relate to, as it is more about becoming and being the right person rather than wondering when and are you going to find someone.

“I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past.” – Unknown

Love, Purpose, and Time.  What was obvious to both of us was the importance of living with purpose each day, and being purposeful with the time we have.  Every time we are together, we lost track of time.  It goes by so fast.  Our first phone call it was as we knew each other already.  Our scars that we have encountered through life, as kids and adults, are attractive to one another.  We respect each other’s journey, knowing it is a part of who we are, and are stronger because of it.  Angela has also shared her side of our forever.

We both have had to experience Getting Through Tuesday, including being abandoned as kids by a parent and the pain of human betrayal as adults; in fact it happened to each of us the same month in April 2009.

Those experiences however have in turn made us grateful for our strength gained from scars inflicted.  I shared in that blog witnessing the near death experience of my Mom with a gun at her head by my former step-dad, and the possibility that me and my brother  could have been witness targets as well.  We all survived.

For Angela, she started thinking about having to plan her own funeral in December 2011 after being diagnosed with Stage Three Colon Cancer as she was given a 35% chance to live.  She has shared with me that through the chemotherapy there were times she thought death was easier, yet she kept fighting.  She has reinforced to me the gift of time we all have, even two more minutes with someone, to be purposeful in action and interactions, and make relationships in your life a priority.  After three years of chemotherapy her doctors informed her it looked like she was going to make it. She decided to pay it forward, having compassion for others in need, and went to EMT school and became an EMT Paramedic.  I am often at a loss for words when she shares about that time of her life, however she inspires me with compassion, energy, care for others, and treating each day we are alive as a treasure.

After our first date, and the extra two minutes, we kept in touch, a lot.  The everyday kind, even though I went on summer trips.  As we lived in different cities (and states for that matter) communication and treating each other as a priority had to be not just words, actions.  I knew I wanted to ask her if she would be my girlfriend, in person as if we were in high school again, and I did on August 9th.  It sure was better than a text asking the same.  As we kept spending more and more time together, our relationship and friendship kept growing.  She sent me a guide on what to expect when dating a rescue chick; I sent her one about dating a runner.  We made time for each other, always, and when we had to return to our worlds, we counted the days until we could see each other again.  We will never forget the first time we said “I love you” to each other, and we knew it was unfiltered, heartfelt, authentic and sincere.  Little things mean the most to us, whether a loving and encouraging note or card, a call or text for no reason other than to say ‘I love you’, or the chance to hear the other’s voice.

“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” – 1 Corinthians 13:7

What has helped guide us as we started dating and will continue in our marriage is having Guardrails in our relationship.  Andy Stanley did an excellent series on this subject, and as I thought about it even during the past seven years of being a single parent, I had Guardrails to honor myself.  I have learned being teachable through life enables growth.

February 4th, 2017, our wedding day. As I see the church door open on Saturday and see Angela walk down the aisle, my heart will skip several beats as she gets closer and closer.  My hand will reach for hers to have and to hold. Each time I see her, I think about the car door opening and her looking and running back for us to spend two more minutes together.  This time we have more than two minutes babe.

“Close Your Eyes…When your love pours down on me, I know I’m finally free, So I tell you gratefully,  Every single beat in my heart is yours to keep.”

From those two more minutes to forever….I love you Angela.

Ed

“Come on gang, time to hit the road!”

“Be right back, need to get Zoe to horse back riding then will get dinner done. Don’t worry, will pick up some Yummy Milk (what Zoe calls Egg Nog)”

“Let’s see, any evenings free this month?”

Not in those exact words, however gives a sense of the hurriedness around my home at times and can be pronounced this time of year. I wonder if the people in original Christmas story ever dreamed that the celebration of Christ’s birth would become so hassled and hurried. Think the shepherds had some pageants to attend? Did the wise men get all their shopping trips done and gifts wrapped?  How about Mary and Joseph? Certainly there was a presence of being hurried, however I know when in the presence of a newborn I’m quite silent and settled, in awe of new life.

Having grown up without a memory of a white Christmas (weather on the equator in Singapore: sunny, hot, humid, chance of thunderstorms, repeat) did not spend much time dreaming of a white Christmas either.  What I do dream of is more time to do less; namely white space on my calendar.

At this time of year, the significance of the season gets crowded out.  There are people to see, things to do, and stuff to buy. All this overload can knock the ‘Have a holly jolly Christmas’ right out of our holidays.

Do you suffer from calendar overload? Has this scenario ever occurred:

Friend/Coworker/Family Member: “‘How are you?”

You: “Actually I’m not that busy, thank you.”

That’s what I thought, and applies year round.  We are busy, really busy. We work hard, make more, spend more, stay up late, getting up early and always on the go. Seems life is akin to a UPS advertisement, it is all about the logistics.  Unfortunately, this fast pace chase leaves us with less than enough energy, and can leave us tired, uninspired and ineffective. When you are parenting alone, it certainly takes energy.

What comes to mind this time of year is this, what if we had more time to do less? In other words, do less and be more. This is not so much of a calendar question, rather one for yourself.

Are you willing to do less and be more? Not just on the outside, but within?

I’m asking myself the same question.

How about less chaos, more calm; less heartache, more joy; less fear, more courage; less bitterness, more forgiveness; less comparison, more self-confidence; less self-centeredness, more service; less discord, more harmony; less anxiety, more rest; less judgment, more acceptance; less disappointment, more wonder; less greed, more generosity; less discontentment, more gratitude; less stress, more peace; less social media, more friendship; less email, more hand written notes; less smart phone, more communicating; less television, more books; less mindless spending, more passionate living; less distracted, more engaged; less catch-up, more planning; less caffeine, more exercise; less tension, more patience. (Great insights by Edie Wadsworth at Life in Grace‚ as part of a series on less and more).

When I honestly look at the above and attempt to answer, I have to admit in some cases I’m not willing.  However I want to be willing, which is a good place to start.

If I had been one of those shepherds that first Christmas standing in the stable outside Bethlehem, I would have been quiet and amazed.

Less talk, more settled, more silent, more awe, more wonder, more gratitude, more joy.

My life has been blessed with the recent engagement to my fiancé, Angela.  How we met and our stories are for another blog, yet we both know it is nothing we could have planned or foreseen.  One of the things I admire is her approach to each and every day, the importance of living in the present, making a difference through service, and memories with others; a zeal that is rarely seen.  Just last week she shared something with me that has reinforced how the normal things can be extraordinary given the right perspective.  In December 2011, she received a diagnosis of Stage 3 cancer and her odds of making it and living were much less than not. With that realization, she vividly remembers leaving the doctor’s office and hearing the sound of childrens laughter; it sounded so different to her after leaving that office, with the full realization of what she had to face.  As she took each month, week, and day as potentially her last, her ears heard more than just children laughing and it never sounded the same.

This got me thinking, rather than wish for what is on your Christmas list how about we look at the normal, everyday things that everybody already has.  Granted it may not be much, it could be just a drum, but we can use it play our song and then watch, wait, and listen.  How could our drums be used?

See how God can use the storms of your life for purpose and paying it forward for somebody else.

See how God can use your voice or words to speak words of encouragement, love, forgiveness, or hope to others.

See how God can use your arms and hands for acts of kindness toward others.

See how God can use your keen sense and discernment to observe the needs of others.

See how God can use an attentive ear to listen and be there for the pain and fear in the lives of others.

As The Day Everything Changed reminds us, we all can be the little drummer boy, and the most normal of things become miracles of God.

My Christmas wish is that in the midst of the holiday hustle and tasks, we could slow down and quietly appreciate the significance of Christmas and be refreshed by the company of the One whom the holiday is about.

Merry Christmas!

Until Next Time,

Ed

It has been awhile since I have gone on a run here, and it is a place that takes me home to the beginning of journey that led me to take a chance, and follow my heart. When I have gone, as I will this week as part of the Richmond (Virginia) Marathon weekend and #megsmiles family reunion, and as someone who did not run more than a few miles in my life, I am taken back to a post that was written in honor of Meg at the first run in her honor on January 18th, 2014:

How Can….
How can I ever run to the end of the block? But you did/will!
How can I ever run a mile? But you did/will!
How can I ever run a 5K, 10K, ½ Marathon, Marathon? But you did/will!
How can people of all different races, gender, ability, and beliefs come together for one common goal? But we did to honor someone so many of us never even met!
How can out of tragedy bring unity? But it did It brought all of us together not just for one day, but for the future!
How can out of so much pain and sorrow bring hope and strength? But it did. People are reaching out to people they don’t know to provide comfort and strength.
How can one person affect the lives of so many? But Meg you did!

We are coming home Meg, to your hometown and Hickory Hill.  You are still doing all the above, and after I wrote you that letter before my first my half marathon, guess what, I am running my second ever marathon in a year.

Her still pictures move hearts, and when I thought of what to put together to honor Meg, what came to mind was turning points in life, which often happen through trials, and strength of letting go.  When I run, I can let go…my limits, fears, vulnerabilities, and overcome struggle to find strength I never thought I had.

For all of us as we #runrichmond, and the runs thereafter in life, never lose sight of who you are and have the belief, which will turn into faith to follow your heart. It can scare you and fill you with wonder at the same time.

I look forward to another year of wonder and heart pounding moments in RVA.

Welcome home #megsmiles.

Until Next Time,

Ed

Always check on my trio before I call it a night. Look at them sleeping and say goodnight, smile, and head back down the hall. Pictures being taken in my head. The early days of being a single dad, would do the same even when they were not in their rooms. I know, sounds crazy. Seeing as I thought it best to stay in the home our kids have been growing up in, was not feeling too grateful as memories would come through my conscience of what was yet adjusting to the reality of what’s now. There was grief, anger, hurt, brokenness, and other emotions that leave scars.  Had a couple of job losses to overcome as well, hard to lose what was and be grateful. Was not feeling it, however realized I could choose to be grateful.

Whether it’s Montana to Clark or just Dad to Son…grateful for these days, always a touchdown

“Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., psychology professor and author of Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity conveys that trials and suffering can actually refine and deepen gratefulness if we allow them to show us not to take things for granted.  Though demoralized, gratitude has the power to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has the power to bring hope. In other words, being radically grateful helps us cope with hard times. It does not come easily or naturally in a crisis; sure is easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one “feels” grateful that he or she has gone through a divorce, lost a job or a home or good health, or says goodnight to stuffed animals in empty bedrooms. Think about the worst times in your life, the sorrows, losses, sadness, anger and appreciate where you are now.  You are still breathing and have persevered through this time, been resilient with an eye of the tiger, endured the trial, got through the trauma, survived the bad relationship, and are coming out of the storm and fog

No matter what happens, if you “dig deep” you will discover as I did there is really plenty for which to be thankful. As compiled by Laura Belmont, M.S. LPC these are the top habits of people who remain steadfast in their ability to be grateful, and can temper the blows life throws at them:

Grateful people don’t expect that life is going to give them everything they deserve – They realize that good things do not always happen to good people, and they have given up the notion that life “owes them anything more than it can offer.”  The question is not if life is unfair, but can we move on in spite of it.

They do not have preconditions to their happiness – They do not think “If this happens only then I will be happy.” They understand happiness is not coming from the outside, but from within. They focus more on their adjustment to what happens rather than try to change what can not be changed.

People who are grateful have realized that you can not have the rainbow without the rain – Furthermore, they know that you don’t have honey without the bee, and you can’t have the rose without the thorns. They see rainy days as a normal part of life rather than an aberration, and learn from the rain rather than just wait for it to go away. They admire the beauty of the rose even though it has its thorny side, and savor the sweet taste of honey even though the bee can sting. Realizing you can not have one without the other, they are grateful for both.

Grateful people have hope -No matter what happens, hope is not lost. They realize the future is uncertain, and while they plan for it, they do not try to micromanage outcomes that are beyond their sphere of influence. They take comfort in the fact that once the sun sets, it rises the next day. They have faith that there is more to life.

Those who are steeped in bitterness and grudges have no space in their heart to be grateful – Forgiving your former spouse for past actions and/or behavior, forgiving your parents for making choices that are hard to reconcile, or other injustices are all parts of the gratitude equation. Forgive others for not acting or being like you had hoped. Perhaps set limits on your interaction with them, or distance yourself altogether as in the case of abuse, but carrying the torch of bitterness is going to hurt you more than them.

People who are grateful know that a grateful attitude takes work – Gratefulness does not always come naturally, especially in the most challenging times. In such times, grateful people work on keeping a good perspective. They might read affirmations, seek support from others, and/or get help for their sadness or anxiety. Some will seek counseling and do not shy away from the effort it takes.

Grateful people have healthy thinking habits – They go by the motto,“Think Straight Feel Great!” They can separate their perceptions from the facts and separate rational from victim-like irrational ways of thinking. For example, they will replace victim self- talk such as “They make me so mad to victor self-talk such as “I was mad when they did that.”

Grateful people are flexible in their thinking – People who think flexibly are at an advantage in life, as flexibility is the key to growth and wisdom. They don’t cling stubbornly with ways of thinking that do not work, and do not need to see a shift in attitude as meaning a personal defeat and referendum of how wrong they used to be. They realize they can choose their perceptions and have a right to change their minds. With this mentality, the doors that close yield others that now become open.

People who love to learn tend to be grateful – Each setback or unforeseen life event offers us lessons, and grateful people focus more on the lessons they can get out of each situation rather than the disappointments. After all, life is a great teacher and teaches us things that no one ever could. Even mistakes and failures are seen as learning opportunities.

Grateful people define their self-worth by their determination and their dreams, not their regrets and disappointments – A grateful mindset has no room for excessive self-recrimination and low self-esteem. People who are stuck in past regrets or seeing themselves as having failed badly in certain areas of their lives will not be able to be truly grateful. Positive self-esteem sets the foundation for gratefulness.

I remember the day after losing my job in 2009. With all that was going on around me at the time, felt as if the sky was falling. That day, June 1, 2009 went with my youngest daughter, having just graduated pre-school, to a park and had one of the best days ever. Swings, slides, stories, picnic lunch, staring and talking about the clouds. It was a beautiful day, and the only Irish in me did not want to let it get away.

As many days have come and gone since that one, it certainly has not got away.  My wish is these days won’t for you either.

Until next time,

Ed

He does not wear cuff links anymore. Does anyone? Nor does he wear that Tuxedo t-shirt so he would look dressed up anyway. Our adventures together defined much of who each of us are, and certainly would not have it any other way. He is my father after all, however he is truly a Dad.  My son is named after him.  In fact, this blog was a Father’s Day gift to share with others.

A coconut husk? Allow me to explain. My Dad and I are scuba divers, and were dive buddies often in the South China Sea. Grew up surrounded by the ocean; might as well explore it. During many of those dives we would swim ashore to an island, take off our gear, get out our dive knives out of the sheath and use them to get through those tough husks. That is one of the ways we spent time together, and certainly ate our share. Learned so much from my Dad and the symbolism, namely getting to the heart of matters and having meaningful times is akin to getting to the heart of all those coconuts with our dive knives. It takes awhile to get through the tough husk, but once you do it is certainly worth it.

For this Father’s Day, thought it would be good to open a couple more coconut husks about my Dad and share them with you.

“Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence” – Vince Lombardi

The importance of confidence and building it – My Dad is an aeronautical engineer by training and loves thrills, wanted to be a pilot and fly F-4s off aircraft carriers. To him, it is rocket science. His training involved doing barrel rolls in jet fighters. There was a something that got in the way though, his height. He grew to 6’4″ and could not fit in the cockpit, certainly did not deter his love of adventure. Encouraged the same in me and knew that building confidence was essential. I started diving when I was 13, and quickly became comfortable underwater. It did not matter whether night dives, going into wrecks, going into caves, being around creatures as large as I am, or staring up at the surface while standing up 160 feet below. Never would have even attempted it had my Dad not encouraged me to build it.

My Dad modeled a quiet confidence, never ending sense of adventure, unflappable under pressure, and willingness to take risks. I guess my kids know why I always want to ride roller coasters.

“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.” – Helen Keller

The importance of standing up for what is right – I call it the story of The Smashing Light Bulbs. In Singapore there are typically two kinds of light bulb bases, 2 pin and twist. He bought the wrong ones and had to take them back to the store to get his money back. One problem, the store manager would not give him his money back even though the bulbs were unopened. No problem, he just put the pack of light bulbs on the floor and said since he can’t use them, might as well get some use out of them. As he lifted his foot off the floor to smash and grind them into the carpet with his shoe, the cash register opened. Sweet music to the ears. Now the store manager could sell them to someone who could actually use them and Dad could use his hard-earned money to get the ones he needed.

As small a lesson as that may seem, what was modeled to me was this: have no fear when it comes to standing up for what you know and believe to be right.

“I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face…I’ve lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The importance of never letting odds define you and making tough decisions – Dad was in a tough spot, and so was I for that matter. The odds for me as a young teen with a full life ahead were not great; was informed that I would need reconstructive surgery otherwise life would be short and difficult. That what Dad was being told by a prominent doctor and surgeon, not what any parent wants to hear or face. There was something did not feel right with Dad, akin to rocks in his gut. He had to weigh all the risks coupled with the unending drumbeat of the odds. Ultimately, he disagreed and stood up to the doctor, and even against one of his parents to make the tough agonizing call to forgo it. It was the right one too, despite what he was being told.

What odds allow for is others to define you; what I have learned though, in reality speaks more to the person doing the defining as they are limiting themselves.

My hope is that by opening and sharing some of these coconut husks, it has encouraged you.

From a son raised by a single Dad and one on the journey at present, Happy Father’s Day Dads!

And you too Dad, Happy Father’s Day! Thank you for being there.

Coconut husks sure beat cuff links, though a tuxedo t-shirt may add some style.

Until next time,

Ed